What Is Hip?

“What Is Hip”

Not you hipster scum of the earth plaguing the world with your anti-mainstream everything has to be obscure and not known all too well by the general public, listening to bands no one has heard of or cares for, PBR drinking because trashy is in, novelty hat wearing, t-shirt under a blazer, converse shoes a must, reading garbage books from Urban Outfitters that are overpriced, friendless, skinny jean, shaggy haired pieces of douche. There is a epidemic running ramped in this time of change…change, and by that I mean the new subculture rising from the gutter where it for so long lingered in the hipster. Hipsters are “people” and I use the term loosely who live on obscure trends not set by the mainstream media. In essence hipsters go against the norms of society and live through obscurity and re-vamping retro trends which went out of style for a great reason. A hipster is and should never be a friend to anyone but other hipsters to isolate their numbers in an effort that in time they will be rendered extinct in a couple generations. It’s in ones best interest to avoid eye contact with these things because it is a great possibility that they will attempt to engage you in conversation to which a half hour conversation will be the most boring hour of your life long after you have shunned them away.

As it currently stands, avoid Williamsburg Brooklyn at all costs. It’s similar to the post apocalyptic world of Escape from New York except a little dirtier and not even Kurt Russell would go there. If someone asks you to make the trip out there, remember you may never come back and become one of them and that the one asking you to go may be an agent of recruiting for the hipster community. If you just so happen to have the drive to go there or are dragged there by a group of friends one must remember the basics to surviving their world. Keep to yourself and do not break your habits always be yourself, they will try to push you into their world to claim another as their own but remember that they are not your friends. They will offer you Parliament cigarettes as a sign of peace but be weary that their fag stick may be laced with some unknown to science hipster virus to which there is no cure for and not even all the Led Zeppelin albums in the world can save you from. There are normal people like us in Williamsburg who have to endure this pandemic since they were there before it became ground zero and they are simply holding their ground. When in Williamsburg, don’t drink the water, if you are in a bar get bottled water and make sure it’s sealed upon the purchase! If you make it to their bar scene and are trying to pick up women, this is when you must be most careful, women ruin men and change them, regardless of what subculture they fall into. She may be smoking hot and seem “interesting” but this is all a ruse to get you into their circle. Any woman that has a small bag generally with a skull on it, two sizes to big hoodie and most importantly, a star tattoo on the wrist is a hipster trying to trick you. They’ll talk music with you and agree that Queen rocks and that Bono is a doucheface, but then tell you about bands you “need” to listen to because they’re similar to Zeppelin, only unknown. This is never the case as that the bands generally suck and are nothing more than a novelty act hence why they are unknown. You must always be on guard because there is black magic in Williamsburg and this is how so many of us have fallen into the fate more terrible than Davey Jones’ Locker. I consider Williamsburg “bizarro-land” in a sense that in the times I have endured that place because I was with a group of people, I always noticed people who reminded me exactly of people I knew, only they were different, they were the hipster version. Part of me wanted to run up to these bizarro-people and drag them out of this world, but I realized they were all in too deep and could not be saved, may God have mercy upon their souls.

Williamsburg luckily is a pain in the ass to get to and the only train that will drop you there is the L train. Hipsters generally stay within the confines of Williamsburg but tend to linger aloft in groups possibly scouting for a new home and recruits. They will enter the bar and look at all the selections of beer and nine times out of ten, after much insight into what’s on tap, will order a PBR which has become their Hennessy. PBR is a garbage beer, and was the popular drink to the middle class blue collar workers because you could buy a 12 pack for dirt cheap. Hipsters come from or have money so drinking cheap is not the issue with them. They drink it because it’s deemed the cool beer to be admired because it is cheap and considered trashy. They mainly know only of PBR and Miller High Life as their cheap fix beer and their heads explode when they see me drinking a Mickey’s Big Mouth, Milwaukie’s Finest, or a Genesee Cream Ale. I try to hide it from them so they do not make me dislike that beer as well. The hipster trend has gotten to the point that many higher end bars supply cans of PBR for this clientele. You will see people drinking Stella in the tulip Stella glasses, Hoegaarden in their glasses, and then douchebag hipsters drinking cans of PBR. It’s similar to going to the opera and drinking beer, you must have class and drink something more sophisticated, not cans of PBR in a classy establishment. You drink 40’s on the stoop and pints in the bar. If you’re in a working class area such as New Castle Pennsylvania, it’s expected to have cans of PBR’s, and to my knowledge hipsters have not migrated that far west yet or east from the west coast.

The hipster must not be confused with their cousins the yuppies. Yuppies do not mind spending money and will buy a 12 shot of Oban scotch. Their level of douchebaggary resides on the fact they will spend money, but leave horrible, horrible tips. When I was working in Park Slope, I was infested with yuppie scum and took immense pleasure in raping them via their wallet. My mentality knew that I wasn’t going to make money from them, so I’ll make the bar take all their money and see just how much money they’re willing to spend before tapping out. Yuppies see themselves are beer super experts when they have no clue what they’re talking about since I could slip them a Bud and call it (pronounced) Bood-vis-iear and tell them it’s a French lager. Yuppies are more sociable and can at times provide entertainment; one just has to look past their snobness.

The fashion of the common hipster is clear cut with some grey areas. In this day and age, people have accepted wearing a t-shirt under a blazer with skinny tight jeans. I personally feel that a blazer should only be worn when wearing a dress shirt with the option of a vest. I never wear my trench coat dressed in casual clothes and only wear it when I am dressed up for a night out on the town. This is just my personal opinion and style that is too much for the hipsters to comprehend. Since many people today do not have a natural 20/20 vision like yours truly, glasses are preferred with the hipsters. They do not go for the thin frame reading glasses but the gaudy 1950’s black thick framed with skulls on the side, generally. The glasses they wore are similar to the glasses worn by the Hansen brothers in the movie Slapshot which only worked on them and not on hipster simpletons. Another thing hipsters love is retro clothing, bright shirts and jackets that scream 1974 looking like a walking rainbow almost as bad as men in pink shirts, again, salmon is not a color, or in hipster language, colour. Converse or retro Pumas are a must for footwear to compliment their optional chain wallets and leather bracelets. Big fans of the moustache which died in the 80’s and only looks genuine on older men on in years and seeing it on hipster scum looks nothing more than a Dirty Sanchez.

Filthy hipsters are weak people and can easily be crushed with robot paradoxes which often make their heads explode. They have no frame of reference to sports since sports are mainstream and involve physical activity when they only like to use their minds. I try to get into their minds, but find out it’s alphabet soup in there most of the time and not worth the effort. They attempt to be one of us without being one of us, as stated with their hard on for PBR. They aspire to be working middle class people without being middle class. It would be like be doing habits of a bum just because it was cool and respectable. Hipsters try to downplay their life, making it seem hard as if they actually had real jobs when they most likely have never worked a day in their life outside of stocking shelves at a hipster thrift store selling Vice and Clash magazines with cabbie hats keeping cash in a shoebox which should have been used for one of my dioramas. They are the product of broken homes and everything being shoveled down our throats via tv and radio. To some degree I do not blame them for disliking the mainstream as that I do not myself, but my style is my own and can not be attributed to a specific group, if there were such a group, it would be the greatest group ever but then I would have to change my style because my personality reflects my style, and most people’s personalities suck.

In conclusion, avoid hipsters and shun them away. Make them feel unwelcome wherever they are and maybe, just maybe they will go somewhere else to which they will be shunned some more. Hipsters walk the streets as if they grew up on the streets with an almost tough mindset. In the few altercations I have had with said hipsters the easiest way to win against them is to turn on the old Bay Ridge charm and they immediately back down followed by their apologies. Stand ground to them, and just like vampires never under any circumstances invite them into your house, they will bug your home and sneak their music into your iTunes. They will change your toilet paper so it spins over not under. Anything they touch in your home should be washed in boiling hot water or thrown out having it been contaminated with their dirty hands. Any compliment on a tie or article of clothing means that they will buy that same piece and bastardize it and within a week everyone in Williamsburg will be wearing it. Simply put, do not fuel the fires and give them new things to claim as their own. Hipsters are friends to no one but their own kind, do not associate with hipsters, if you know someone who is falling into their grip, either let them go, or give them the business to keep them from joining their ranks.