Out With The Old

If you’re over the age of 65 and well known in the public eye then odds are you were a candidate for a pick in the dead pool currently going on. It has been nearly 5 months since the dead pool began and to this date only one person (Bea Arthur) has died in a pool with 140 different famous people over the age of 65. (Paper written before McMahon, Jackson, and the rest have died).Old people are good at two things; finding good deals and dying. Sadly this year the elderly have decided to live on and linger the streets finding the proper size ravioli and being the “hip” old person in modern comedies. I recall a time where the elderly were dropping like flies giving funeral homes a reason to do the Irish jig and a place where the elderly were living in fear of their pending death thinking that death was just a step outside of their door and would say inside where they belong along with their morbid old people smell.

I feel rather confident that no one of the elderly variety is reading this since they are generally not internet intelligent and strain their eyes looking at their screen in large print and are more concerned with screening their phone calls than reading this epic blog. Their time to go is now and has been coming for a long time. How Gertrude Baines is still alive at the tenderly ripe age of 115 baffles the shit out of me every waking moment of my life. I recently saw a picture of her celebrating her birthday if you really consider someone that age celebrating anything as that her mind is most likely silly puddy being carted around wherever she goes if she actually goes anywhere let alone remembers it. To answer your question, yes I did pick ol Gertrude in my dead pool figuring that by now I would have the two points I deserve in picking a super centenarian. The planets seem to be lining up properly though since within the past month or so at least 5 people 100 years of age or older have kicked the bucket meaning that death is riding his tricycle to her home and easing off touching people with cancer.

This is not to say that old people do not serve some purpose in life, however working day shifts behind the bar I see what happens to the elderly when they no longer have anything to live for which begs the question; “did they ever have anything to live for to begin with?” The elderly serve a purpose in my life for shear excitement hoping that perhaps this time when they cross the street in search for that milk that will not expire until 2014 they neglect to either look both ways or simply walk against the light. Sadly the elderly have seen too many of their kind meet their end via the B16 and B63 and have wised up and ensure to look before they leap. Rainy days also entertain me especially when a storm comes abruptly leaving them wet with their walkers with the distinct possibility they may slip and fall, preferably on the double yellow line and gets run down by an angry bus driver trying to get to the end of her route to pick up his child from the babysitter her husband is banging behind her back, which is a totally different story all together.

Old people used to off themselves inadvertently by slipping in the shower, leaving the gas on the oven, or falling down the stairs of church on a bright sunny Sunday afternoon. It is because of this, and this alone that the elderly have evolved into a smarter breed than those of yesteryear. This new breed of elderly must be watched carefully and should be considered dangerous given their will to live in this heavily overpopulated society. I’m not asking to have the world turn into that of Lois Lowery’s “The Giver” where the elderly are “corrected” to take a page from “The Shining.” There are plenty of old people who should be alive for a long time, but they are few and far between as they slip into Foodtown as soon as they open and take all the Gatorade that is on sale before I can get down there and buy it for it’s intention while I participate in athletic activities. What an old person needs with gallons upon gallons of Gatorate lies solely on the fact that they buy it because it’s on sale and only because it’s on sale and just like tricking the Leprechaun by throwing shoes at him to polish, an elderly person can not turn down a deal, even if it’s a KISS pinball machine. In closing should the time come when I become elderly, if I make it that far; I will be batshit insane to the point where to “correct” me would require enough manpower to take out a small army.