RIP God

RIP God

For nearly my entire life I have believed in a higher power and much like how my dad could beat your dad up (if he weren't stricken with the crippling handicap of being dead), I believed that my God could beat up your God, especially the Jew God. Seriously guys, read the New Testament, I mean I love the metal band Testament's old work and their new work, really good stuff if you ask me. So just relax at home and read the full Bible. Anyways, it has been a long time coming but I will break the news to the world that not only is God dead, but has been dead for over 16 years.

Our higher power was declared dead on March 4th, 1994 with the birth of a creature so villainous that it has captivated our youth, particularly our young girls. (Perhaps the fact that God died allowed for the New York Rangers to win the Stanley Cup 71 days after His death. Then again I would like to believe that God gave The Rangers the push and with the remaining 71 days Godless won it entirely on their own and not by the grace of God for Him in his all mighty passing.) The birth of Justin Bieber signified the fact that God was indeed dead by allowing a bastard spawn of 23 homeless men and 3 dogs to walk the earth plaguing the airwaves with his filth and mixed sexuality messages. His rise was ever so delicate growing up in the most peaceful and least likely of places for the nail to be driven into God's coffin, in Ontario, Canada.

I'm sure that when most of you think about places for the anti-Christ to be delivered would either be in Detroit, New Jersey or Japan due to it's ability to blend in with some of the most screwed up societies in the universe. So why Canada? It's the perfect place to raise this thing, molding it into a wholesome innocent being, look at Avril Lavigne after all. Had she been from South Central L.A. She would be going down the Lindsay Lohan route shoving everything up her nose, including Michael Jackson's withered corpse. Regardless of the wheres and whens, we must look deeper into the who's, what's and why's dissecting this thing that surly will destroy this world from the inside out.

Who is Justin Bieber?

According to the great Wikipedia; Justin Bieber's plight to end mankind began “In early 2007, when he was twelve, Bieber sang Ne-Yo's "So Sick" for a local singing competition in Stratford and placed second. Mallette posted a video of the performance on YouTube for their family and friends to see. She continued to upload videos of Bieber singing covers of various R&B songs, and Bieber's popularity on the site grew. ” Therein part of the blame must fall upon Youtube, however Youtube itself had no idea just how big they would become upon launching. Upon his growing fame unbeknownst to us about our impending doom, he was given permission by his mother to go to Hotlanta, Georgia to begin recording. All of this happened after she sought guidance from her peers at her local church, to which they gave her encouragement to do so. Had God been still alive, he would have sent so many signals and signs to the congregation that Justin Bieber, then 13, would have been crucified upside down and all of humanity saved. Sadly, God's not here and Bieber-Mania has snowballed into a force to be reckoned .

Why?

Why now? Why this? It's all because of YOU! Yes I said it, you all are responsible for our demise. With all of you watching and listening to awful garbage such as “Jersey Shore”, “Dancing With The Stars”, “30 Rock”, “24”, “Avatar”, “Scott Pilgrim vs The World”, “Jim Rome Is Burning”, obsession with auto-tune, “American Idol”, “Guitar Hero/Coc...Rock Band”, “Twilight”, “Glee”, and last but not least, those fucking E-Trade baby commercials”. You single handedly kept God from coming back because though he may have been declared medically dead, God's spirit still walked the earth, and if he felt we were worth saving, would have sent his Son back to take care of business. His son coming in the form of Ted Nugent's child to be precise. God took one look at our society and what a Godless world hath became and said peace. He created us all in His image and this is what we did without him. Therefore we are getting our just deserts and I will be drinking as much as possible until the end, as I plan on going down with the ship.

What Can We Do?

Clearly nothing. Nothing at all can be done because he has gotten too powerful. Over the summer I, along with my associates met at Pippin's Pub and discussed what was to be done, and as seen in early August of this year (2010) we put our plan into action. In the footage (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0e50vqY7Szo) go ahead, watch it again, I'll wait....

We clearly see what appears to be a water bottle hit him in the head, and though many of us cheered this feeling that's what he deserves, it wasn't supposed to go down like that. A man and brother in arms by the name of George William Bluthe who attempted to assassinate him with a bullet dipped in holy water from February of 1994 to put an end to Bieber. Sadly his power has grown too strong and he was able, in his evil ways to transform the bullet for true freedom into a water bottle.

I have risked my life in writing this paper as I'm sure that upon its upload to the internets, I will surly have to face his army of 16 year old minions to silence me, but I dare not fear one bit for I feel that YOU, those responsible, now know what needs to be done. Any and all help will be needed in what will be the final battle. I'm making a call to arms in the fight for humanity, ALL MEMBERS OF THE KISS ARMY, DEAD HEADS, AND PARROT HEADS (I'll forgive Jimmy Buffet for your assistance and will put all differences aside for a greater cause) RISE UP AND SILENCE BIEBER!